I’m no therapist, but I do know that everyone – to my knowledge – has experienced resentment. That burning sense of frustration when someone we care about falls short of our expectations.
The challenge with resentment, however, is that it tends to build up. When left unaddressed, it transforms into contempt, which can corrode our relationships, especially the intimate ones. But here’s the thing: resentment often tells us more about ourselves than the person we’re upset with. And that’s where the ‘Resentment Letter’ comes in.
Why write a resentment letter?
When you bottle up resentment, it’s like opening an emotional overdraft you never intended to take out. With each grudge, unmet need, or simmering frustration, your emotional balance tips. Writing a resentment letter is about clearing that balance, identifying the causes, and preventing them from accumulating.
This exercise helps you get honest, but it also offers a surprising benefit: once you put it all down, you’ll see where your own past, insecurities, or old wounds come into play.
Writing out resentment lets you feel, release, and even find room for forgiveness – not just for the other person, but for yourself.
How to structure your resentment letter
Think of the letter in layers, starting with what frustrates you most and moving through emotions that allow healing. Here’s a guide to crafting it:
- Start with anger
Begin by acknowledging the anger. Write down the frustrations and unmet needs in a way that’s specific:- “I don’t like…”
- “I resent…”
- “I feel frustrated when…”
This step is crucial because it opens the door to understanding why this resentment lingers.
- Move through sadness
Beneath anger, there’s often sadness or disappointment. Letting yourself acknowledge the pain shifts the experience, allowing for empathy:- “It hurts when…”
- “I feel disappointed that…”
- “I wish things were different because…”
- Explore fear
Many resentments are rooted in fear – fear of being ignored, invalidated, or hurt again. Allowing yourself to identify these fears provides clarity:- “I feel worried that…”
- “I’m afraid this means…”
- Acknowledge remorse and offer apologies
Often, resentment clouds our ability to see our own part in the dynamic. Acknowledging it gives balance to the letter:- “I regret that I…”
- “I feel embarrassed about…”
- End with love, understanding, and forgiveness
In the final section, write statements of gratitude or appreciation. When you’re ready, express forgiveness:- “I love that…”
- “I appreciate…”
- “I am working towards forgiving…”
The power of sharing
In some instances, sharing the letter can be powerful. The act of reading your words aloud whilst the person you’re disclosing to listens – no interruptions – can offer a transformative experience. Often, I’ve found, hearing our words aloud softens their intensity and adds validation to the experience. If you’re not confident or safe sharing the letter, then don’t. The act of writing it down is often helpful in itself.
Resentment will come up – that’s inevitable. The trick is to work through it constructively rather than let it fester. Writing your resentment letter helps lessen the chance you will live in your emotional overdraft and instead build healthier, more authentic relationships with others and yourself.
You’re worth this process.
Andy.
